Thankfully, I’ve ditched the whole “throw out the baby with the bathwater” thing. I no longer go bananas after a slip-up. I know it’s a slow road to weight loss and healthy living. 

Meals are smaller and more frequent.  Taming my need to eat out of boredom is the biggest obstacle I have to overcome.  I know I can get out of the house and move instead - but to be quite honest, sometimes I don’t want to. I’d rather sit and read. Or crochet - can’t really eat with yarn and hook in hand. And yes, I’ve tried. I’m not proud of it, but at least I’m being truthful. lol

I hate exercising. Never liked it. Anyone else? Once I get to the gym I’m alright, but it’s a struggle for me to get there. I always find a reason not to go. Or I make a reason. Stay up late reading and take a nap in the am instead of going. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Not too many years ago I went 5 days a week. Sometimes twice a day. I don’t know what’s changed. Except for my motivation. I got fast results, even the gym employees noticed.

Pain is a factor too I suppose.  I got this ridiculous ankle problem. Tarsal tunnel syndrome. I would’ve laughed in the past if anyone told me about it before. Happens when your arches fall and your feet go flat. Numbness, pain - all that jazz.  I’m afraid if I go back to working out consistently that it’ll flare up again.  I’ve never had pain that debilitating before. Not even natural childbirth. Excuse? Maybe.

For now, one thing at a time. Get this silly eating thing under control. Then tackle the exercise angle. Walking the dog is gonna have to do for now. I walk her in the am every day. Tired or not. I even ran a little today. I won’t lie - got a little (okay a lot) short of breath.

Here’s to a great day for all. Positive thoughts everyone.

I’ve been in the habit of giving up when I just start seeing results. I fall back into old patterns that never worked thinking that this time my metabolism will snap back. In my head, I shouldn’t have to work this hard. I never had to before, so maybe if I just ignore my weight gain it won’t be real.

Obesity is such a disease of denial. Even when you realize what you’re doing, you can’t always stop yourself. I’ve caught myself mid-bite and thought “what the heck am I doing?” Only to reply, “oh well you’ve already messed up, might as well enjoy yourself and start over next week.”  I don’t do that in any other part of my life. I wouldn’t total my car after just making a dent on the fender. Yet on many a day I’ve thrown all I’ve accomplished out the window after just one slip-up.  I seem to be letting myself fall down that rabbit hole again. 

Well, I’m off to the gym.  Hopefully some of those endorphins will kick in and kick my keister into gear.  Or at least help get me out of these doldrums..

Good luck to everyone.  Sending out good thoughts.

Couldn’t bring myself to exercise today.  I think I hit the gym so hard yesterday that I wore myself out.  Sometimes going to the gym invigorates me, but today I couldn’t muster up even the energy to get changed into gym clothes.  Usually that helps - not today though.  Ate healthy at breakfast.  Took a nap from 11 -3:30,  then cooked a pretty decent dinner.  Didn’t eat too much.  I’m going in to work prepared.  Bringing my dinner (to eat at 3a) and plenty of low -point snacks.

Gotta keep myself motivated.  Well, I’m off to work.  Send positive thoughts. 

I weighed in today and I’ve lost 2 pounds. But, I feel blah about it. Not super-excited. Why?

Maybe because I don’t feel as if I worked much harder than normal. I did just enough. No more, no less.  I don’t know if it’s just having gotten over my period, or eating and exercising more. I hope it’s the exercise. I’ve always responded to exercise more than changing my eating patterns. Not that I’m going to use that as an excuse to eat badly.  Just have to find some sort of inner something to keep me going.  What’s going on with my motivation level?  Argh.  I think all the extra hours this past week are getting to me.

Good luck to everyone this week.  Send good thoughts my way.

It’s just too depressing to see these guys locked up like animals. I know 99% of them belong there. Still…at least I like the nurse educator. She’s a nice lady, and like me, battling a weight problem.  Sympathetic bonding I suppose. I think I formed a closer bond after today though. Quite an unexpected thing. I’ll explain later.

This job at the prison is my per diem job.  I have a primary job at a hospital where I work in the ER. I’m scheduled every Saturday and Sunday 7p-7a. They’re so short-staffed that I have always picked up time. Plus, as a single mom the money’s great.  But, it wreaks havoc on my eating and exercise regimes. I’m gonna lose a little bit of money working days at the prison, but I’m gonna be able to focus on my health and improving my life. It’s all in my plan for changing.

I came prepared for orientation. Brought my snack for 1015. Since it’s working for the state, breaks are mandatory and scheduled for anyone working 4 or more hours. Helps keep the hunger at bay, getting to eat regularly. Not like the ER where you might not even get a break during your entire shift. Don’t even get me started on that!

Also, do they make all correctional male officers look like they’re in a movie? You don’t wanna pig out in front of all those fine male physiques. Whoa!!! Focus Lola, focus!!

Now to the incident that led to some bonding with the nurse educator. During break we were talking about a party that I’m throwing one of our mutual friends who works at the prison. It’s a Halloween/40th b-day bash. Costumes and all. We’re all discussing what we’re gonna wear.

I’m gonna be a geisha girl in a knee length kimono. Very sexy. I’ve been to the gym, and I’ve been toning up. I’ve worked up the courage to wear this cool costumes - I’m actually quite proud of myself. It’s taken a while to get over my horrible body image issues. Well, some of them.

One of the other nurses says, “Wow - you’re brave. I’d have to lose about 10 pounds to wear such a sexy costume .” Okay…them’s may be fighting words.

This chick is 5′6″ about 130 pounds. If. I looked at her and said, “You have to be skinny to wear sexy clothes? That doesn’t seem right.” She looked like she’d swallowed a turd. Or like I’d said something crazy more like it. lol. I went on about my business and had my yogurt and 1/4 cup of vanilla almond granola cereal. (surprisingly yummy)

Afterwards, the educator “Anita” told me that this nurse “Jenn” and the day charge nurse “Sharon” have this weight competition going on between each other.  They compare calorie intake and amounts of exercise they log in per week and post it in the locker room.  um…okay.  Anita said she was so glad I’d said what I did.  She doesn’t even go into the locker room to change because she hates to see these things posted on their lockers. Especially since she’s been trying to lose weight, and it’s really been hard going for her. She says these two watch everything she eats like a hawk.

I didn’t mean to start anything or get in the middle of some crazy competition. I just felt slighted. I don’t know if Jenn meant it in a mean way, or if I’m hypersensitive. Any thoughts on that? Hmm…anyway, it feels good to vent here.

Well, I’m on track diet-wise.  After dinner I’ll fit in a Leslie Sansone video and walk.

Good luck everyone. And send positive thoughts in my direction. 

Even though I’m tired, I can be thankful that I was so busy I didn’t have time to eat badly.  I packed my lunch every day and left my debit card at home.  I have found that leaving my debit card at home is the most important thing.  I can’t buy anything if I don’t bring any money.  Seems to be working, I’ll know more when I weigh in. 

Speaking of weighing in, I went to WW on Friday and stepped on the scale.  That whole new being accountable thing. I felt like I was walking to the gallows.  I’d gained back 3 pounds.  Argh!!  Well, it could’ve been worse.  I wasn’t even going to blame my period for it.  Not when I’ve had my period before and lost.  No excuses this time. Just results - for good or bad.

Why haven’t I been able to be honest with myself?  In every other part of my life I am on track.  Work, finances, home and family.  Everything except for the one thing that I would be left with if I had nothing else - myself.  I don’t get it. 

I know why I overeat.  I just don’t seem to want to stop myself from actually doing it.  I even stopped exercising for a bit.  Became super-lazy and had my son walk our dog all of the time.  As of late though I’ve started to exercise regularly and walk Ginger.  I’m ready to tackle my eating.  Again.  And blog - for better or worse.  Again. 

So, here goes.  Wish me luck.

So, maybe not that bad. But I feel like it and that’s just as bad isn’t it? I’ve gone OP. I’d been doing so well. Why?

I’m pretty sure I know why - I just don’t want to admit it to myself. I don’t even think I can write it down right now. I’ll get there though, to a place where I can confront my demons.

I’m gonna start by weighing in today. No matter what, I’m going to face up to how I’ve been eating and not exercising as much as I should be.

OK. So it’s 5:19pm now and I haven’t weighed in yet. I went there at 4:15 knowing I couldn’t stay for the meeting. I waited in my car until 4:30 and the sign still said closed. The meeting was supposed to start at 4:45, so I got out of my car to go  in but no one was there. I was tight on time so I left.

 I know if I really wanted to get weighed in I should’ve stayed, but jiu-jitsu starts at 6:30 and we can’t eat after 5:15 if we don’t want to yak in class. Gross I know, (TMI also) but maybe you can understand why I needed to go home and finish dinner. I didn’t get weighed in, but my punishment will be to suffer through 1 1/2 hours of jiu-jitsu. If anyone has ever taken a class or knows what it is, they’re sure to understand the suffering I’m gonna go through. So while I may not have weighed in, I’m still gonna drag my sorry self to the dojo and go get beat up, thrown around and sat on.

Tomorrow 7 am weigh-in for sure.

I hope.

 Today is a new day. I’m going to wake up and start fresh. It will be better.

I think the syndrome is over. I would call it PMS, but mine seemed to be during, instead of pre. C’est la vie.

I am dreading weigh-in tomorrow at WW. Yikes!! Will the scale break? Will I break down? I won’t even look. In the past, I would’ve stopped going and stayed home. I’m going to be responsible now and go get weighed.

What’s wrong with me? Deep breathing, going to the gym, getting out of the house - none of those tricks are working. Arrgh!!