Missing out…Saturday August 22, 2009
Missing out on life. Today I skipped a good friend’s wedding with an excuse that I had horrible gastrointestinal issues. By that, I actually meant that I’m a chicken s#@t.
The real reason I didn’t go? I couldn’t find anything that fit nicely and looked good. I tried mind you. Early am shopping to beat the crowds on several days, did my hair so I could imagine what I’d look like today.
I know I should have just sucked up my own insecurities and helped my friend celebrate on such an important day. Easier said than done.
The worse part, even worse than missing her special day, was lying. I know my friend would never doubt the reason I gave for not being there. I sent a text via my BFF, cowardly I know. She won’t doubt me either. In fact, she called me an hour ago to check up on me and ask if I needed anything. I sure do, a new honest soul.
Is this what I’ve become? So ashamed of my weight and how I look that I would rather lie to my friends, hide myself and miss important life moments? What is wrong with me?
There are those who say, “Forget what size you want to be. Dress the best you can right now and enjoy your life.” I’m not there yet, and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to admit that I have to pay extra for larger clothes that aren’t as stylish because I need to hide my heavy thighs and blubbery arms.
I’m waiting for the tears to come. They haven’t yet. I think I’m too numb over what I did. Sleep won’t come easy tonight.
Take care everyone, and best of luck to us all on this weight loss journey. Sending positive thoughts.
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I know exactally how you feel. I use to avoid and isolate myself too. I would see someone in the store I knew and run the other way. I’d hide so I wouldn’t have them see how fat I’d gotten. Now that I’m thinner I still find my first reaction is to decline invitations to go out and run from people but I have to tell myself that I am no longer an observer in life. Now I am a participant. It is hard to be out there when you feel fat and ugly.
What helps me is talking positive to myself. Imagine yourself as a child would you tell her she was ugly and fat? Or would you tell her she is smart and beautiful. Also I leave positive notes around the house…you are beautiful…you are strong…you can do anything you want to do…you are an athelet…you rock…they do help me retrain my thoughts. When I start to think negative I tell myself NO, NO, NO…and follow up with a positive comment immediately. All these little behavior modifications help me to refocus and be positive. Sometimes I don’t want to go or do but I do it anyway just cause I need to participate. Also when I’m not into my food I feel so much better and confident. I say to myself I am working on the best me as possible and hold my head up high and am proud no matter how much I’ve lost.
I have done this to, Lola–skipped reunions, weddings, even baby showers! I do regret missing those things, even years later. Along with that, I agree with what doreyt said above. When I’m in a social situation, just reminding myself in my head about all the work I’m doing for myself makes me feel stronger and more confident, regardless of what my body looks like, or what I think other people are seeing. Be strong–you deserve it, you really, really do.