lolaislosingit

Sometimes in life you have those moments.  Those “a-ha” moments.  But what if you keep having the same “a-ha” moment? And it’s always about your weight?

I feel like my life is on a continuous loop of the same a-ha moment. Sometimes it’s got one or two differences - but all in all, the same moment.  And yes, it’s weight related.

I know some of the reasons why I overeat. Insulation against feelings and attention, boredom, liking food too much. What I can’t seem to get a grip on is why I can’t take action against those reasons. Not so much why can’t I, as why won’t I?

For my own health I know I need to. How long can my cholesterol, blood pressure, and blood sugars be normal?  How long can I strain my organs with this extra weight before they stop giving me warning signs and just completely start shutting down?  Will I even get a warning sign one day or will I just stroke out or have a blood sugar so high it won’t register?

How much longer can I keep up this self loathing and self hatred? My need to put on so much weight as to keep myself unattractive to the one person who should always love me - me? When am I going to learn to love myself more than my need to destroy myself?

When will I learn to take those “a-ha” moments and turn them into actions?

I’m sending out a universal prayer that it’s soon. Cuz seriously, I need a cosmic kick in the keister.

Ever wonder how you got so off track that you can’t figure out how to get back?  That’s me right now.

Not only have I not lost weight, I’ve gained it.  And to be quite honest - I do know what happened.  Eating the same and not exercising.  I know what to do, just don’t seem to want to do it.  More like I can’t seem to care enough about myself to do it. 

Seriously! What’s wrong with me? I tell my friends not to get down on themselves over their weight.  That they’re fabulous the way they are and they should only lose weight if they want to or need to for their health.  I both want to lose weight and have to lose it for medical reasons, yet I can’t even follow my own advice.  How hypocritical is that?

I can tell those I love the truth, but can’t love myself enough to follow through.  And like most moms, I would die for my son.  But obviously I’m not doing my best to try to live for my son.  And by living, I mean living a life full of health and energy.

I don’t need to be skinny.  I’d be happy at 175.  Been as low as 125, but looked like a cross with a pumpkin stuck on top. All shoulders and head.  Not cute. At 185 I was fierce.  Curvy, with sexy legs.  Would like to get back there.  Not sure how though. 

The dreaded wedding season is fast upon me.  2 weddings to go to, and one wedding to be in next year.  While I love my friends, I don’t know if I can bear another occasional where I settled on what to wear. 

What to do?  I’m sending out a cosmic plea for support. I’m hoping to get an energy influx big enough to get me off my keister and on my feet.

Here’s to keeping hope alive, and the train from squashing me.    : )