lolaislosingit

Argh.  Gotta go to work today.  12 hours tonight.  grrr.  Hopefully it will go by quickly. We shall see.

Couldn’t bring myself to exercise today.  I think I hit the gym so hard yesterday that I wore myself out.  Sometimes going to the gym invigorates me, but today I couldn’t muster up even the energy to get changed into gym clothes.  Usually that helps - not today though.  Ate healthy at breakfast.  Took a nap from 11 -3:30,  then cooked a pretty decent dinner.  Didn’t eat too much.  I’m going in to work prepared.  Bringing my dinner (to eat at 3a) and plenty of low -point snacks.

Gotta keep myself motivated.  Well, I’m off to work.  Send positive thoughts. 

Isn’t it weird how things work out?  I’ve been putting in all these hours between 2 jobs to try to get my eating and exercise habits under control, and guess what? It’s working. Right now anyway.

I weighed in today and I’ve lost 2 pounds. But, I feel blah about it. Not super-excited. Why?

Maybe because I don’t feel as if I worked much harder than normal. I did just enough. No more, no less.  I don’t know if it’s just having gotten over my period, or eating and exercising more. I hope it’s the exercise. I’ve always responded to exercise more than changing my eating patterns. Not that I’m going to use that as an excuse to eat badly.  Just have to find some sort of inner something to keep me going.  What’s going on with my motivation level?  Argh.  I think all the extra hours this past week are getting to me.

Good luck to everyone this week.  Send good thoughts my way.

Nothing like working in a prison to make you lose your appetite. I didn’t even finish the Dunkin Donuts coffee I brought with me. Well, maybe that had more to do with the fact that I’d already had 2 (okay 3) cups of coffee at home.  Whatever.

It’s just too depressing to see these guys locked up like animals. I know 99% of them belong there. Still…at least I like the nurse educator. She’s a nice lady, and like me, battling a weight problem.  Sympathetic bonding I suppose. I think I formed a closer bond after today though. Quite an unexpected thing. I’ll explain later.

This job at the prison is my per diem job.  I have a primary job at a hospital where I work in the ER. I’m scheduled every Saturday and Sunday 7p-7a. They’re so short-staffed that I have always picked up time. Plus, as a single mom the money’s great.  But, it wreaks havoc on my eating and exercise regimes. I’m gonna lose a little bit of money working days at the prison, but I’m gonna be able to focus on my health and improving my life. It’s all in my plan for changing.

I came prepared for orientation. Brought my snack for 1015. Since it’s working for the state, breaks are mandatory and scheduled for anyone working 4 or more hours. Helps keep the hunger at bay, getting to eat regularly. Not like the ER where you might not even get a break during your entire shift. Don’t even get me started on that!

Also, do they make all correctional male officers look like they’re in a movie? You don’t wanna pig out in front of all those fine male physiques. Whoa!!! Focus Lola, focus!!

Now to the incident that led to some bonding with the nurse educator. During break we were talking about a party that I’m throwing one of our mutual friends who works at the prison. It’s a Halloween/40th b-day bash. Costumes and all. We’re all discussing what we’re gonna wear.

I’m gonna be a geisha girl in a knee length kimono. Very sexy. I’ve been to the gym, and I’ve been toning up. I’ve worked up the courage to wear this cool costumes - I’m actually quite proud of myself. It’s taken a while to get over my horrible body image issues. Well, some of them.

One of the other nurses says, “Wow - you’re brave. I’d have to lose about 10 pounds to wear such a sexy costume .” Okay…them’s may be fighting words.

This chick is 5′6″ about 130 pounds. If. I looked at her and said, “You have to be skinny to wear sexy clothes? That doesn’t seem right.” She looked like she’d swallowed a turd. Or like I’d said something crazy more like it. lol. I went on about my business and had my yogurt and 1/4 cup of vanilla almond granola cereal. (surprisingly yummy)

Afterwards, the educator “Anita” told me that this nurse “Jenn” and the day charge nurse “Sharon” have this weight competition going on between each other.  They compare calorie intake and amounts of exercise they log in per week and post it in the locker room.  um…okay.  Anita said she was so glad I’d said what I did.  She doesn’t even go into the locker room to change because she hates to see these things posted on their lockers. Especially since she’s been trying to lose weight, and it’s really been hard going for her. She says these two watch everything she eats like a hawk.

I didn’t mean to start anything or get in the middle of some crazy competition. I just felt slighted. I don’t know if Jenn meant it in a mean way, or if I’m hypersensitive. Any thoughts on that? Hmm…anyway, it feels good to vent here.

Well, I’m on track diet-wise.  After dinner I’ll fit in a Leslie Sansone video and walk.

Good luck everyone. And send positive thoughts in my direction. 

Oh, my body hurts.  I’ve been working 12 hour shifts since Saturday.  I feel as though I’ve been put through the ringer.

Even though I’m tired, I can be thankful that I was so busy I didn’t have time to eat badly.  I packed my lunch every day and left my debit card at home.  I have found that leaving my debit card at home is the most important thing.  I can’t buy anything if I don’t bring any money.  Seems to be working, I’ll know more when I weigh in. 

Speaking of weighing in, I went to WW on Friday and stepped on the scale.  That whole new being accountable thing. I felt like I was walking to the gallows.  I’d gained back 3 pounds.  Argh!!  Well, it could’ve been worse.  I wasn’t even going to blame my period for it.  Not when I’ve had my period before and lost.  No excuses this time. Just results - for good or bad.

I’ve been gone quite some time.  Yikes.  I guess I wasn’t very truthful about wanting to  hold myself accountable for my weight and weight loss goals.  Or rather, actually holding myself accountable.

Why haven’t I been able to be honest with myself?  In every other part of my life I am on track.  Work, finances, home and family.  Everything except for the one thing that I would be left with if I had nothing else - myself.  I don’t get it. 

I know why I overeat.  I just don’t seem to want to stop myself from actually doing it.  I even stopped exercising for a bit.  Became super-lazy and had my son walk our dog all of the time.  As of late though I’ve started to exercise regularly and walk Ginger.  I’m ready to tackle my eating.  Again.  And blog - for better or worse.  Again. 

So, here goes.  Wish me luck.