lolaislosingit

Oh boy. I’ve been hiding from the scale. I’ve put off going to WW until today. Why? Because I’ve gone plum loco that’s why. Eating like I’ve been told that I have to eat to save my life.

So, maybe not that bad. But I feel like it and that’s just as bad isn’t it? I’ve gone OP. I’d been doing so well. Why?

I’m pretty sure I know why - I just don’t want to admit it to myself. I don’t even think I can write it down right now. I’ll get there though, to a place where I can confront my demons.

I’m gonna start by weighing in today. No matter what, I’m going to face up to how I’ve been eating and not exercising as much as I should be.

OK. So it’s 5:19pm now and I haven’t weighed in yet. I went there at 4:15 knowing I couldn’t stay for the meeting. I waited in my car until 4:30 and the sign still said closed. The meeting was supposed to start at 4:45, so I got out of my car to go  in but no one was there. I was tight on time so I left.

 I know if I really wanted to get weighed in I should’ve stayed, but jiu-jitsu starts at 6:30 and we can’t eat after 5:15 if we don’t want to yak in class. Gross I know, (TMI also) but maybe you can understand why I needed to go home and finish dinner. I didn’t get weighed in, but my punishment will be to suffer through 1 1/2 hours of jiu-jitsu. If anyone has ever taken a class or knows what it is, they’re sure to understand the suffering I’m gonna go through. So while I may not have weighed in, I’m still gonna drag my sorry self to the dojo and go get beat up, thrown around and sat on.

Tomorrow 7 am weigh-in for sure.

I hope.

Weathered the weekend. Very deep potholes to try to avoid.  I hit quite a few of them though. Oh well.

 Today is a new day. I’m going to wake up and start fresh. It will be better.

I think the syndrome is over. I would call it PMS, but mine seemed to be during, instead of pre. C’est la vie.

I am dreading weigh-in tomorrow at WW. Yikes!! Will the scale break? Will I break down? I won’t even look. In the past, I would’ve stopped going and stayed home. I’m going to be responsible now and go get weighed.

Whoa!! I have turned into an eating beast. A human Hoover. Any of those words associated with binge eating. It’s not that I can’t do better, it just seems that I don’t want to. Is that self-destructive behavior, or what?

What’s wrong with me? Deep breathing, going to the gym, getting out of the house - none of those tricks are working. Arrgh!!

I worked last night and had a slight meltdown. Okay, maybe not so slight. A really big slice of pie and Pepperidge Farms-type meltdown. Four soft baked dark chocolate chip cookies to be precise.  YIKES!!!!

Thankfully the gym is open 24 hours a day and I am going around 4pm for an hour before I go to work. I’m gonna need to hit it hard to make up for the ridiculosity (yes new word) that I perpetrated upon myself.

What a bonehead play. Oh well, it’s a new day and I’m moving on. No calling myself bad names and ditching everything I’ve accomplished because I didn’t do so well last night.

The water retention and weight gain I thought I’d avoided has now settled in and I feel 10 pounds heavier. Am I just imagining it? If I drink more water I’m going to start swishing or feeling lightheaded.

Maybe I’m trying to sabotage myself and I’m using my period to excuse some all-out binge. It seems to be a pattern for me. I do great for 1 to 2 weeks and then I do something silly. I start hearing the “oh, you’re looking losing weight” comments and I don’t know how to deal with them. I feel like everything I eat or drink is under a microscope. I turn to my trusty frien”emies” chocolate and baked goods to help me quiet the anxiety I feel. How can I deal with these feelings in another way so I don’t have to stuff myself until I’m numb?

Any suggestions? I’m open to everything and anything.

HELP!!!

Yeah…in my quest to achieve the perfect balance between food, exercise and work I forgot one thing. My period.

Didn’t even give it a moment’s thought as to how it might affect my energy level and appetite. Well, now that it’s here I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out. I guess with all the exercise and eating well, I didn’t feel it as much. Boy is it kicking my butt today. I usually retain 10 pounds or so during. Thankfully not now. I feel completely drained though. I’m gonna stay home and do some of The Firm’s tapes inside. My motivation to go to the gym is zero. Maybe it’ll pick up for me later today.

We shall see…

I am so tired today. All of a sudden this wave of exhaustion has come over me. And of course for me with the exhaustion, this feeling of never-ending hunger. I don’t even want to think about the gym. I want to cry thinking that I have to walk upstairs to my bed. Thank goodness for having walked Ginger this morning or I wouldn’t have gotten in any exercise.

I’ve eaten most of my points for the day, and I still have some extra flex points left. I know it’s probably sleep I need most, but I feel too hungry to sleep. I had half of a turkey foot-long sub for dinner. It was filling at the time and loaded with veggies but I wanted to eat the other half right away. I was 2 bites into it when I called my son over and gave it to him to eat. It seemed the only way I wasn’t going to Hoover the thing down.

What’s going on? I’ve gotten enough sleep and I’ve eaten well. Argh!! I wanna cry like a Sally-girl.

I weighed in at WW after waking up yesterday…down 1.6!!! Total -5.4 in four weeks. I’m pretty stoked. My home scale had me losing 0. So I’m throwing that scale away and going by what the WW scale says on my weigh-in day. There’s no reason for me to weigh myself once (ok sometimes up to four times) a day.

Work was work. My feet were on fire by Monday morning. I went home and dunked them in ice water and Epsom salts. I know some people swear by warm water soaks but ice seems to work for me. Helps the swelling so much that I almost forget I’m probably risking hypothermia.

As I predicted, I was so beat I couldn’t make it to the gym. Didn’t even have the energy to cook. I took my son to his favorite restaurant. A Chinese buffet no less. Yes, I had a little bit more than I should have, not a ridiculously massive amount - just too much. And I’m not going to beat myself up because of it. I have a plan that includes exercise for every day this week so I’m going to forget about the buffet and move on.

The old me would have taken this as a sounding bell for an all-out implosion. I’m not interested in giving up that easily anymore. I know where my weaknesses are and I’ve analyzed them to death. I know I overeat when I’m tired, or bored. My plan is to have low point snacks, fruits, and veggies cleaned and prepared for when I want to nibble. No more mindless eating.

I’ve gotten my library card and checked out books to read in my spare time. I know I can’t get them dirty so I don’t eat while reading. It’s something I wouldn’t care about if I bought my own books. The lefty is even crocheting. Three blankets and counting. Thank goodness for pregnant women and the PICU and NICU needing blankets.

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to post comments. I know everyone leads busy lives and has their own problems. To read what has been written is uplifting. I know I’m not alone in what I’ve decided to take on and that gives me more comfort than I can convey in written words.

It’s 0249 am and I’m blogging during my break at work. I’ll probably be too tired after waking up to do anything more than a load of laundry. Going to the gym seems almost impossible at this point.

S’allright though. I’m working on one of the busiest sides of the ER tonight. I’m actually splitting two assignments. How do I get into these situations? I’m a sucker that’s how. I’m gonna look at it in a positive light. At least I’m too busy to eat and I’m walking around a lot. Getting my exercise in. Maybe not going to the gym won’t be so bad. Had cake today though. Very small piece. I’m pretty sure I caved in because it’s my favorite and I really wanted it.

Well, really there’s no reason why I had to have it. I really did want it though. If I stop to think about it, isn’t that why I’m in the place I am right now? Because I didn’t stop myself from having what I wanted? Hmm. I’m gonna have to think about that one later. Hurts my brain too much right now. And I might start to feel bad and eat a whole lot more of that cake.

I’m not hungry right now, and I skipped my bigger meal so I could have the piece of cake. Not really a sound trade-off, but I made a choice of one over the other. I know I’m trying to rationalize. My next meal will be at 6am and I’m going to have my small bowl of oatmeal. Just water until then - not even coffee.

Wish me luck.

It’s 3am at work and I’ve almost made it through unscathed. Didn’t do as much walking as I’d like to since I’m out in triage today. My feet are on fire.

My diet is fairly intact though. I’ve been eating every couple of hours and I’m not feeling hungry at all. I turned down another treat today. Something I’ve never had before - dump cake. Didn’t sound very good, but it was tasty looking. I had exactly two spoonfuls of it. Okay, so I didn’t turn down the whole treat - just most of it. Once upon a time I would have eaten not only my plate, but the plates of the three people next to me. Maybe we’re making some progress here.

Should I be looking for a big fall? I’ve never been this into losing weight and being conscientious about diet and exercise.  In my past life maybe, but not for a very long time. Almost 14 years to be exact. I hate to look back on my pictures and see how far I’ve fallen. The pictures of me with my platoon looking completely ripped and in shape. Those were the glory days. Now I can’t see them and be anything but ashamed. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. I may never be able to get back to that shape and fitness level, but getting close would be ok. We shall see.

One more day to go and four 12 hour shifts will be done. I will never again do that to myself. Although this time I didn’t do it either. I found out that my shift supervisor made a mistake and accidentally scheduled me for the 12 hours on Friday. I hope a stretcher accidentally runs over her pinkie toe.

I should probably stop being mean. I may be hit by the karma boomerang. I shan’t like that at all.

Wish me luck.

I made it through the night!! I know it’s only one, but that’s where it starts right?

I got all my snacks and my meals in. Exercise in too. Who can help but get exercise in when you walk all the time at work?

I even faced my archnemesis Barbara and her trifle. It’s layers of angel food cake, marinated strawberries, chocolate pudding, vanilla pudding, cool whip, and finally chocolate chips. Three layers of it. I actually gave her the recipe, but mine was all fat free or sugar free ingredients except for miniature chocolate chips. I told myself that I wasn’t going to have any. Then I changed my mind - and I had  one spoonful. It was delicious. I waited until the very end when there was only about one cup left anyway.

I love where I work, but it is a very high stress environment. Definitely not the best place to work when you eat as a response to stress like I do. Nobody ever brings in healthy food. It’s always treats. Either Barbara and her cakes and trifles or Diane (my favorite paramedic) and her ridiculously amazing brownies. I am constantly surrounded by food.  None of it healthy.

I guess I could see it as a blessing in disguise really. I’m learning how to deal with my eating habits in the most stressful environment for me. If I can get a handle on it at work, I should be well on my way.

I’m fighting the good fight again tonight. Send good thoughts my way.