lolaislosingit

So, yesterday was an okay day. Some ups, some downs.

I started off my morning with a breakfast that filled me up and was low in points. Cleaned some then went to the gym. ( I told you I was serious) At the gym I see two of my perfect bodied co-workers. Why? Could my day back not be made worse by these two?  Arghh.  Oh well, off to the elliptical anyway.

I worked that elliptical for 35 minutes at a fairly good pace. I started sweating after the first 5 and didn’t stop. Maybe it was the sight of the perfect two that inspired me. (It was probably the fact that I didn’t want them to see me not working hard.) Whatever it was I did it for the time I set. I usually go back to the gym for one day and overdo it so much I won’t go back for days (ok, weeks really). So I stopped there and went home, changed and headed to judgement day. Really it was the WW scale.

Oh help me, I was thinking as I trudged to the scale. I hadn’t been there in 20 days. There was Joan, the nice one. Yay!! Not that anyone else has been anything other than nice, Joan is just super-nice. She never even mentioned it, just said “Down 1.8 congratulations”. 

What!!?? Mentally I started doing the jumping up and down fist pump. I did manage to get myself under control and join the meeting. Debi the meeting leader was so funny, I can tell that I’m going to like her meetings.

From that high to the sucky low of trying on clothes. Nothing ever fits right. I seem to be in between sizes. CURSES!!! For my first date since I can’t remember when.  OK so the weight loss thing may coincide with the possibility of a new guy. So kill me. LOL. This clothes thing sucks. Watching all the skinny minnies is just depressing. 10 years of competitive swimming followed by 4 years in the marines has shaped my shoulders and back to the size of a football field so it’s hard to fit into clothes. But I’ve been told I don’t look my weight. Still, 208 pounds at 5′7″ I sure do feel that weight.

Anyway, it took me 2 1/2 hours. I did get 3 fab outfits with the help of the nice gals at my fave shops. Cute shoes with fantastic purse. I was going to look smoking.

No I wasn’t. At least not yesterday. He called and apologized while I was doing my hair. Said something came up and it really had to get done. Asked me if I was mad. Damn right I was mad!! Fab clothes, cute shoes with bag. So I let him have it!! 

“No I’m not mad. You have to do what you have to do.” Mental head smack. He asked if we could reschedule for Sunday.  Ever the one to hold a grudge I told him in no uncertain terms, ” I think I could manage that.” What am I, a glutton for punishment? Was I that desperate for a date that I would take being cancelled on 2 hours before the date lying down? Okay so maybe I am. But before I could think too much on it, a little miracle.  He said, ” I’m worried you might say no come Sunday.” He was worried? He shouldn’t be. I reassured him I was ok (not) and that he should call me on Sat for new plans.

What did I do then?? You got it. Ate 1 cup of chocolate covered peanuts.  I’ll show him. Dufus. Then the inevitable conversation with my inner self.  “I can’t believe you did that! It’s just a date, and it got rescheduled. Jeez couldn’t you get a grip??” My response was “it could have been worse. I could have had two cups.”

I let the misstep go, and I had a good dinner. Didn’t overdo it at all. Quite unlike my 5′5″,100 pound, thirteen year old son.  He is on a 3,000 calorie a day weight gaining program. Overseen by a dietician, coach and doctor. You see my dilemma.  I’m surrounded by all this food for him, and then have to dole out my own meals with a measuring cup. Sometimes I think the cosmos is laughing at me.

All in all, not a horrific day, but not how I want my days to go foodwise all the time. My consolation as ever - It could have been worse.

So - yet another day I have deemed … “the start of the rest of my life”.  As I  hear the Chariots of Fire theme song in my head.  Is it just another day?  I have resolved that it won’t be.

Three weeks ago to the day,I joined Weight Watchers after a brutal realization that I am indeed FAT.  Not phat as I’d love to think, but OBESE as my doctor wrote in my chart.  He’d been threatening for a long time but I always thought he was joking - well, he wasn’t.  I cried like a sally-girl.  And I’m not the crying type.  I made a resolution right then and there that I would lose 60 pounds total in a year. So firm was my resolve that I left his office and parked myself right outside of the WW office and waited - healthy water in hand.  When the office opened I went in, signed up, weighed in and cringed. 208 pounds.  At 5′7″ that is far beyond what is a healthy weight. 

I haven’t been back.  I just couldn’t face it.  Having to weigh in when I knew I hadn’t done well. Having to face that I even needed WW - again. I’m killing myself slowly. what’s going on with me?

 At my heaviest 234 seven years ago, I was 27 and had started working as a nurse in a busy ER.  I had to work hard and fast.  234 pounds doesn’t move fast. I started going to the gym 5 times a week, sometimes twice a day. I did The Firm and lost more.  Hired a personal trainer and was down to 185 and looking fine - all in about 6 months.

Fast-forward to 2008.  I weigh 208 pounds and have added several medical problems to my chart. What has happened to me? I’ve gone the WW route before.  Works when I do it.  Haven’t been to the gym in I can’t remember when.  So why have I been reluctant to do this? I have become too lazy to do the work necessary to become healthy.  Why?  I could come up with a million excuses.  Life changes, debt, depression, etc., etc. 

WELL NOT ANYMORE

Today I feel different. This is my time - no one is going to do this for me.  Time to put behind the excuses and move on.  I refuse to fail.  I know I’ll slip - but I won’t be derailed.